Go or Stay?

Dilemma. Yup. The same dilemma that i have for every beginning of the year. To go or to stay for another year or so. Tapi stiap kali pun, despite how often i said it. Aku masih lagi stay. Year after year, i kept on saying that this time, i will make a move. Im gonna take a risk. But each time the moment for me to make that move, something has to come up, disrupting the whole guts that i've been keeping for so long.

I remember the first year when im with this shiham company, i told myself, get my confirmation and leave after that. Semua orang pun tau aku tak sronok keje kat situ, terpaksa nak mengipas org tak tentu pasal and jadi plastic sepanjang masa. 

Then something came up. I was transferred to Ipoh. In my mind that point of time, i only have one month before i can quit. Lets take the transfer money and leave rich. Mana tau, the new boss that i have, made me see the different side of how things can be done. 

No doubt he is the most demanding boss ever in my career to date.  But in exchange, i learnt so many things. I've been made visible, recognized and valued. Most of all, i dont have to play tukang kipas coz he cares shit about those. So tak jadi nak go masa tu.

Tapi contemplation of going still there. for different reason la. Keje macam org gaji sampai life aku tunggang langgang. masa tu sakit dah mengesot2 pun gi keje sebab takut kene maki tak deliver. hahahahha. anyhow, that wasn't the real reason why i wanted to leave that year. 

in 2006 i wanted to leave coz i was in a relationship. it was a distant one and it is kinda tiring for both of us especially me coz aku kene travel up and down every week nak jumpa dia. pastu tak campur ngan dia very the clingy and suka tuduh aku buat benda bukan2. betambah2 la perasaan aku nak berenti keje. plus aku somewhat gives the assurance that the year after, i will get myself back to kl. 

in early 2007, my boss said that it wouldnt be fair for the rest of the team that joins earlier than me but still stuck in north whereas i get to go. plus my review was very good. i somewhat take it as a good sign for my career in shell. 

keje la macam biasa. tapi ex aku nye kesabaran dan keracauan makin meluap2 sampai membuatkan aku terpaksa pikir nak berenti lagi skali. nak nak in the middle of the year  my boss got promoted to china and there goes my movement. so takde sapa nak support aku nye movement coz aku akan dapat boss baru. perasaan nak berenti keje meluap2 lagi masa tu sbb tau yang chances nak balik kl mmg semakin tipis. 

Ganti boss baru. hayo. macam ulang sejarah. yang baru ni punya perangai sebijik macam ex boss aku kat kl. ko jadi la no 1 dlm apa barang pun tapi kalau ko tak reti nak kipas dia buat bontot dia jadi lebih besar dari tempayan, ko adalah average staff sjork.

i have to put up with him coz i was too close for my promotion. i just need to get my manager title and then its easier for me to place myself outside there. in the mean time, aku cari gak la keje. tapi tak de la putting any hope of getting sbb kalau cabut awal, rugi la penyeksaan yg aku endure slama ni without achieving anything.

as expected, bila my first review with my current boss ni, aku was rated above average which was to me so unfairly assessed. Aku keje macam nak gila surpassing all my KPIs ko cakap aku above average je? Lagi sakit hati bila aku tanya kenapa, ko kasi aku jawaban macam hanjing? tak show team work coz aku tak mau makan japanese food ngan team masa lunch? APAKAH!

but i got my promotion anyway. nasib baik boss aku ni jenis cik bab dan ting tong so dia telah dibelakangi system yang membuatkan aku bernasib baik disitu. hmm..aku tak kira aku nak cerita gak betapa cik bab nye boss aku ni. mari amik contoh colleague aku sorg ni..cian dia. dah keje 2 tahun sampai ari ni pun tak dapat confirmation letter lagi. ha! tak ke cik bab tahap dewi durga tu? uols pikir la sendiri katanya.

jadi aku pun bekerja dengan muka ketat sepanjang tahun lepas. dengan harapan ada la company nak kutip aku keje. things gets easier bila aku clash ngan ex aku somewhere in may. so my reason of leaving become slightly less emotionally driven.  In dec, i got an offer from another MNC tapi masa tu aku tak tau nak cabut ke tak. Sbb ketamakan sudah wujud tatkala itu. ye la.. dah end year sah sah la bonus dah nak dekat. kalau aku resign in dec. melepas la bonus. 

plus the offer given to me tu takde dateline. dia cakap he is in no hurry, the job will still be there for me in 2009. tapi...nan ado! kenapa? salah aku gak la.. satu sbb tamak. dua sbb aku should have anticipated that most company will freeze up employment due to the economic downturn this year. 

when i called up the hiring manager again early this year, he said that the job has been frozen till said date. Hold on to what u got for what it is worth he said. The problem is i dont know whether i can hold that long. Tapi aku gigih gak la nak berenti keje tahun ni. 

aku rasa saving aku cukup kot nak sara aku masa menganggur. and aku pun tak le fully menganggur coz i have other means to get money. plus aku bleh sambung master. so all in all i think i wouldnt loose that much. not until last friday...

last friday, me called up my mom. my mom has this habit of calling me for two secs and suruh aku call balik. itu maksudnye dia nak cakap lama2. hayo. dia pun cakap kat i yg dia nak retire early. i was a bit hesitant sbb itu bermaksud aku akan jadi 100% penanggung family aku nanti. bukan tak mampu cuma kalau aku berenti keje bebetul..aku mmg tak mampu..hahahaha.

when we discuss things further today, i cant force her to work anymore. if what she wants makes her happy, then i'm gonna be supportive of what she wants. thats the least that i could do as a son. 

so dilemma aku berterusan lagi... nak berenti keje boleh..tapi aku tak leh nak sara family aku fully.. boleh tu boleh.. tapi aku takde 100% assurance that i can provide full commitment knowing the fact that i dont have anything firm to hold on to myself.  plus, by april...gaji naik lagi...matila, aku asyik kene ikat kaki ngan gaji je...camner ni uols.. 

bak kata karen and rose, ur salary is just gonna keep on increasing. if u dont make a move now and take a pay cut. you wont move anymore. not when it would be too expensive for other people to pay you.. somehow benda tu buat aku bepikir panjang jgk....